misunderstood.

I had two encounters today that both thouroughly bothered me. In the first encounter it felt as though I was made out to be "over- reacting" or exaggerating or something along those lines... but really, I wasn't trying to do that. I was actually expressing genuine concern for the person who was complaining... but then after I tried to speak up in her behalf and the authority figured addressed it with her, she basically laughed at me and said I misunderstood her. I was so confused- because although perhaps I did misunderstand her, now I'm wondering if she misunderstood me.

Later this same day this same woman made a very racially charged comment to me. The part that was so deeply painful to me was the fact that she assumed I would have naturally agreed with her extermely bigeted, ignorant and racist comment. I was so appalled - anger was boiling up inside of me but I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere. I felt helpless- it sucked. How to fight this shniza in a professional world...its so exhausting.

Yet as I was processing these two events later this evening I thought about my savior... How misunderstood he must have been. He was misunderstood- but he didn't have a need to prove himself, because it didn't matter to him- He knew who he was.

I suppose that naturally as a Christ follower I approach most situations in life already at odds- ready to be misunderstood.

What is it in me that wrestles with this emotion?

my life song

Lord you know my heart, the pain it's felt, lying so deep within.
But Lord you know my dreams, desires that remain, I still love you- with all that I am.

As for now, here I am. I long only for your plan. As for now, here I am. May I walk with you... again?

Prince of all peace, may my faith you increase- as I trust in your Word. My future what will it bring? My heart it longs to know...but I won't question, just believe.

Surprise change of seasons...

I was recently talking with an incredible woman of God who has been speaking truth into my life in the past few months... and this is what she shared:

She was sharing about an analogy of our spiritual journey as the seasons of the year. Spring represents a time in which you're hearing God speak so much to you... words are fresh and constant, you can feel the blooming taking place. Spring of course is followed by Summer, in which a visible consistency of much fruit allows you to soar from one day to the next. As this season of summer comes to an end, a season of pruning back, cutting away - all of a sudden your summer surge comes to an end and you realize that things are a bit painful as this pruning back takes place. Winter comes and it seems as though God is now completely silent... Whatever did happen to that time of many words that is now a faint memory?

So I realized that all of a sudden this weekend I have abruptly moved from an incredible spring and summer right smack into Fall. Why this weekend? I wish I knew how to answer that myself... but boy did it come unexpectedly.

The exciting part is that I know pruning always results in MORE fruit.. which is my heart's desire. Please pray for me, as my heart is fragile right now. I long to know my savior more intimately- I long to seek his face to the point that I know his direction by the way his eyes direct.

The funniest part of this surprise is that I've been whinning the past three weeks about how tired of summer I am and how badly I miss the beautiful Oregon fall... hmmm maybe we should be careful as to what we pray for ;)

Just when you think you have it figured out....

Have you ever noticed how just when you think you've got life figured out God completely changes things around... friendly sovereignty reminder I suppose. God is funny ya know. It's been an interesting few weeks because all of a sudden everything I thought I knew so confidently I no longer do... in fact I feel at quite a loss. I don't feel "bad" about it or anything...actually at peace and just fine... but just at a total loss. Once again, here I am waiting for the surprises of God to unfold.

hmmm another important thing to share: most soy ice cream alternatives are not really good at all, but if eaten in small enough quantities it still seems like a treat.. however, I tried the Trader Joe's Soy Cream Cherry Chocolate Chunk tonight and it was SO GOOD! Significantly better than any other soy substitute I've had... just thought I should share for all my non-dairy friends.

and as a point of encouragement- this has been my verse of the week: "Call to me and I will answer you. I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know!" Jer. 33:3

Wisdom and Faith?

I've been wrestling this week thinking about the combination of wisdom and faith. For some reason in my mind when I think of these words two opposing pictures come to mind. Wisdom brings prudence, thoughtfulness, caution, logic, etc while Faith makes me think of excitement, obedience, trusting, and going for it even if you can't hold all of the pieces together yourself. It's interesting though, because really these two actions ought to work together. I'm not really sure what else to say about this... except... how does it work? How can I live with wisdom in my decisions- and yet remain in faith when my faith may be to stick to a direction that doesn't appear to be a wise decision? So my mind then tracks back to perhaps the practice of faith, which is often the expression of obedience... is in itself wisdom because it's coming into alignment with the direction of God- who knows best.... so in this way a faith action is actually wisdom expressed... i suppose that could put my mind at ease for a moment, but then it shorty doubts that initial faith based decision. aay ye ye. I'm learning... little by little.

The Goodness of my God....

I've been so overwhelmed by the goodness of my God these past few weeks- Everyday I feel as though my heart is leaping on the inside and joy is pouring into everything I think and do. God has done it again, and blown my mind out of the water, providing another "too good to be true" job. Check this: I was hired the first week of July to work from July 1- Aug 27th with a week of pre-determined vacation, full time! That in itself is a miracle...but it gets better. This job is not only paying better than I expected... but its full of my hearts passions and is meaningful to me. In this job I get the chance to write curriculum with a new set of learners, I get to assist a man in opening an orphanage and setting up his 501c3, I get to assist in the office of an incredible day program facility for developmentally disabled adults...which is such an incredible place to work and learn. Not only these things, but there is potential that I can help in developing the beginning stages of an afterschool program for children with developmental disabilities. How incredible is the Lord? I'm having the time of my life... and who would have thought? God is so good- When we seek him first, he adds all things to us... my cares and concerns for a car... God provided a great car I love... my cares and concerns for a job... God provided a great job that not only do I feel is meaningful to me, but that is causing me to grow and be stretched and learn - its a great experience. The Lord just keeps blessing me... He truly is the giver of abundant life, and good gifts to his children- and I know he's not done yet...there is so much more to come.

Post Graduation= Weird

Graduation Party! Sara, myself and Alissa looking ready for the real world!
Miss Vanny Schmanny doing her groove thang!
Ashley looking beautiful on her wedding day!
Em came to visit!!! YAAAAAY!
My mom and I in Ensenada on the cruise stop

So It's been a month since graduation now... and I can say, while its been a nice release for my head... I'm starting to wonder what I'm supposed to do with myself. I constantly feel guilty for not reading, doing homework, or feeling that I'm busy enough. This is probably wrong.. but it's just how it feels. I've hung out with people more than ever before- its been fun, but so strange. At the same time, I need a job. I need a job that is only for a short amount of time but that will let me work a lot of hours... hmm don't really know. I think once I start working again I will feel better, because right now I feel like I'm doing nothing productive and it's a hard place to be.

This month has been interesting, however. I was able to vacation on a four day cruise with my parents and brother, which was a nice break from stress land. I then returned to pack up my room and move yet again. This time in with a wonderful couple from my church, who have graciously opened their home to me. I couldn't be more blessed...its truly an incredible gift. After moving I finished my job at the elementary school, only to realize that until I have another reliable car, I really am not going to be able to get another job. So... first Emily came to visit and we hung out for 3 fantastic days... then I went to Oregon. The trip to Oregon was primarily to purchase a car (which I did, its an awesome older 4runner), but in the mean time I attended long-time friends wedding celebration and saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in a long time. Again, weird, but good at the same time. So finally I'm back in SoCal, glad to be here, and thankful for the home I have... yet not really sure what I'm supposed to be doing this summer...feeling a bit lost and directionless. It's a bit lonely as all my friends are now scattered throughout the nation- and I've recently been realizing that I don't really know how to make friends anymore. It was simple in college; you were either in class together or living together so becoming friends wasn't too tough- now it's not quite the same.

In the midst of a very odd month, however, I know in my spirit that God is up to something, and it's something good. I'm more hungry for His word than I have ever been before, and I'm longing to move to higher heights and deeper depths in relationship with him. All around me people are getting married and engaged...it seems like another person every weekend... yet in the midst of all of that all my heart longs for is to know my God more, and to understand what He is desiring for me.

Here are some random pictures for updating :0)

Adjustments

So many changes have occured in the past few weeks... Only a few weeks ago I was crazily abandoning sleep, relationships, and everything else in life in order to make it to graduation day. And then so fast it came and went... My family traveled down to be here, my friends came and we partied it up all night- I am so blessed. My family then took a trip, which is worth a whole blog entry of itself... but I come back and all my roommates are gone- I'm moving in one week, my job is over in 9 days...and I really have no idea what to do with myself.
College is one long season of instability. Not only that, but my car was totaled by a drunk driver a few weeks ago... which leaves me without a vehicle. God has been so faithful to provide one every moment I've needed thus far.. so all glory to him- yet to say, just when I thought life was getting settled and normal... it's not. I have a sense that this is not going to be untypical of the future God has prepared for me. I will likely be a traveling missionary- not living an "unstable" life, but one in which HE is my only Rock- my fortress and my God.
God is teaching me to find his presence in the midst of the storm. For a while I would pray that the storm would go away and I would beg to know why God allowed me to be in the storm- but now I'm learning that God allows me to hide in the shadow of his wings, right in the middle of the storm, but not be affected by it. It is here in this secret place, that I have a front row seat to watch the power of displayed HE calms the storm.
So taking it one day at a time is pretty much my motto right now... each day has enough troubles of its own. and I have nothing but praise and thanksgiving to my Father.. who has been so faithful. I graduated from Biola- a place I never thought I would be able to afford or go to... I have had a car provided for me whenever its been needed... I am moving into free housing this summer, the fulfillment of God's word to me. He is great and greatly to be praised!

SAY Yes Students Benefit Musical ;)

YOU WANT TO BE HERE! FRIDAY, MAY 9, 7:00pm Sutherland!!!! YAAAAY
(click on the flyer to see it full size)

Even the Rocks Cry Out His Praise!

God is so good. Today I was able to spend some time away from urbanized civilization and hike up the desert hills of southern California. Not quite Oregon glories, but still a breath of (almost) fresh air. I love to hike. I love the wonder of seeing new growth, fresh blossomed wildflowers and green lush all around me. Trees and shrubbery left untouched and able to grow naturally is the most amazing thing to me. I love to examine where and why the the dirt breaks up at which point, or how in the world that tree grew with its roots totaly coming sideways out of the mountain... or why is there this random orange flower in the midst of purple buds surrounding it? Creation is simply incredible to me.
The further away from the man made attempt at beauty I am the more at peace my soul becomes. It's like it simply enters into the worship session already declaring the glory of God- creation displayed in its pure splendor. While walking today I was reminded of the passage in Matthew in which Jesus tells us not to worry. After telling us not to worry he says to look at the lilies and how they grow, how they are clothed with splendor, even though they do not toil nor spin- and yet, their heavenly father has clothed them. How much more does he care for me? I should not worry about what I should eat, or what I should wear... for each day has enough worries of its own. He is Jehovah Jireh, Hallelujah.
While walking I was also reminded of my summer two years ago, in Malawi, Africa. Malawi without question is the most impoverished place I've ever seen- and yet, in the midst of that, while hiking from village to village in the bush - there was such a peace my heart felt in that country. I think that peace came in the fact that the land brought for worship in my spirit in a different way than anywhere else I've been. I thank you Lord for the beautiful Malawians I was able to meet two summers ago. Father bless Malawi, the warm heart of Africa.
"the universe declares your majesty, you are holy....holy."

Dr. Clyde Cook

Mr. Biola had a heart attack and went home to be with our Lord on Friday evening. It came so unexpectedly- and really I don't know that it's impact has hit the Biola community at this point. It's amazing to me how God's grace allowed Dr. Cook to enjoy all the Centennial celebrations, and also that Biola really is okay at at this point, in terms of Dr. Corey's recent innaguration.

Dr. Cook will always carry a legacy at Biola, and I hope to be one to celebrate that legacy as I live out my life in a way I believe he would be proud of. How many college campuses would actually sell out "I <3 Clyde" shirts? So often a leader, often a president, will take the grunt and really annoying grievances of everyones whinning- but Dr. Cook's was so cherished at Biola. He was cherished because of his deep and sincere love for Biola and Biola students. He was such a humble man, who never walked around with a sense of being better than anyone else. I would never have been intimidated or felt out of place to walk up and greet Dr. Cook, if he hadn't taken the initiative to greet me first.
I can remember one time I was wearing an OREGON sweatshirt in the Caf...he came up and asked me if I had transferred or was just from Oregon. He then started asking me all kinds of questions, taking a sincere interest in who I was and what I was studying at Biola. One might think it would be akward for a student of 5,000 to engage in chatter with their university president, but Dr. Cook would make it not so.
If the Lord ever graces my life to be in a position of leadership in which it would be easy to "forget the little people" as is basically expected in our society, I pray that the Holy Spirit will bring Dr. Cook to my remembrance- that I would be reminded of his example of humility and kindness, never allowing even a air of pride about him.
I thank you Lord for the investment this man made to lead and maintain Biola, which you have used to be a powerful season in my life.

Hudson Taylor

I'm currently in a class entitled Missionary Biographies. There's really not much to the classwork, allowing it to just be an excuse to read and digest 10 biographies in 16 weeks. It's been a great experience overall..

So far I have found myself experiencing all kinds of emotions as I identify or totally don't identify at all with the development and formation of these usually young men who set sail to live in a totally foreign culture, seeking to bring the gospel to those whose lives were in need of a future and a hope. I really have no concept of the realistic picture of this life that I'm soon to be living- one that is truly laid on the line day after day. Without fail each of the missionaries I've read about so far have encountered persecution, heart ache, death of wives, children, co-workers, etc... yet they've all also experienced God's power revealed in front of their eyes in ways so incredible. At the end of each one's life there is such a tenderness before the Lord, a yearning and longing to be with home with their Father- I wonder what it must be like to know our heavenly father in that way.

This week we finished the biography of Hudson Taylor. Taylor was a British missionary to China in the years of 1830s-1900. His strategies were incredible for his day... although criticized by most as extreme, Taylor truly desired that the Chinese people would have Chinese Christianity, not a Western Christianity. I can only imagine this man as he walked around in Chinese dress, with a shaved head and Bianzi knot... so forward for his time. Taylor was first to say churches should look like Chinese buildlings, not gothic western ones... he was also first to say women ought to be missionaries to other women, not just wives to support their husbands.. so many firsts for Taylor. In this midst of his pioneering work, the book leaves you understanding the faith of this man- a life deeply rooted in prayer- without question or compromise, but total and utter dependence on the promises of God, thanking God for their coming until the day he saw it. This man committed to prayer and fasting for 5 years to see over 1,000 missionaries flood inland China at a time when everyone told him NONE would come... but Taylor prayed the will of God, and watched it pass before his eyes.

My week has been so challenged and encouraged by this man. I have no idea, really, what my life as a 22 year old american female offered to the service of God will begin to unfold and look like... I'm not the author of my story.. and yet I long to leave a legacy like Hudson Taylor did. One that would point others to acknowledge the greatness and grace of God as he gently leads me and allows territory for his kingdom to be won through this broken vessel, this jar of clay.

"When you pray, pray like thats all you do; When you work, work like thats all you do." ( Hudson Taylor)

Special Days

I currently work as an aide in a SDC or special day class...aka resource or special education. My classroom has 12 4-6th graders, 10 boys and 2 girls. Being my spring break this week, I was able to spend full days at work instead of my usual half days- and I was also able to be 100% mentally present. I've really enjoyed myself this week. I wish everyone had the opportunity to experience working with special ed children... there is something so wonderful about their outlook on life.


Yesterday one of our students was giving a powerpoint presentation on candy. It was classic. Very simplistic pretty much minimal in the powerpoint, but then when asked by a student how the candy is made... this brilliant mind responds with step by step verbatim as to how the book explained it. Complete from memory as if he were reading it. Amazing.


I've also enjoyed so much a room full of kids who sincerely look out for one another and desire to learn. Given they have their own set of distractions, their distractions certainly aren't concerns of who is "cool" or "popular." Their so unaware of it, without worry of being judged by thier peers. It creates a beautiful atmosphere to be a part of.


While some days really are more challenging than others, this week I've felt so blessed to be a part of room 100. Perhaps the saying is cliche, but I really do feel like I've learned more from the kids than I've actually taught them.

Spring or Summer?

Oh the wonders of Southern California... here it is March 24th- the first day of Spring Break- and already SoCal has jumped to 90 degree summer temperatures. Not that I'm complaining... This past weekend was Easter... which is always fantastic. I think Easter is my favorite morning of the year. There is a sense of deep joy and understanding of redemption filling the houses of God on this day... it's one of the only days of the year I don't mind giving anyone a hug.. haha. For those of you who know me... you know it must be a special day ;) My weekend was blessed as I was able to go to Easter service, followed by a great lunch out with friends who I have come to deeply admire and very much enjoy.. followed again by joining Sus famillia for some serious fiesta time. The day was good. The past few months have been "my waiting period" and they've been so interesting. Not that the waiting is totaly figured out at this point, but so much more is clear than was before. Amazing how God really is faithful to work it all out. It's so fun to watch everything pan out and to realize that the next few seasons ahead are filled with things I've desired to be a part of. I'm going to be able to help in the missions department at my church, as well as teach little ones intercession at a summer ministry school-like program for kids, as well as speaking at the summer camp I grew up in. The Lord is good. There are still a lot of unclear portions of the immediate post-graduation plans.. but overall I'm just blessed. Ready for the big and exciting news...??? God is giving me the desires of my heart- and I will officially be moving to Jinja, Uganda, Africa in January 2009. How good is the Lord?! The plan is to live there for a year as of now (but I have a feeling it will be longer than that). There is much work to do in order to be prepared for this move- but right now my goal is to graduate, so until then I'm just enjoying my excitement and praising the Lord for his faithfulness. I had some recent fun as my high school best friend decided to surprise me by flying here for her spring break. I was so encouraged in her presence, her timing couldn't have been better. It also required a forced break from school- filled instead with play time... what could have been better? We did it all... the beach, farmers market, LA, disneyland, $1 fish tacos, and lots of late night chatting. Knowing that both our lives are on the brinks of major changes, as she is soon to be getting engaged and I am soon to leave the country... we enjoyed the bittersweetness of one life season in rear-view and another to move towards together. I love you Tara! Thus far I really haven't been much of a faithful blogger... but I'm hoping to change that and start it up again. We'll see if it really happens ;)

Picture Updates: 1&2 - Tara surprises me in LA! 3- Roommates and I explore Little Ethiopia, 4 - Sara and I on our way to Sus and Jonathan's concert, 5- Vanessa turns 22!

The Waiting Period

To any friends and family who may be reading this page...

Here it is mid January and I find myself on the brinks of something. I have had an incredible fall semester- filled with the faithfulness and favor of our Lord, and I couldn't be more grateful. Yet as I'm about to begin my final semester at Biola (ahh!), I sense a fresh season different than ever before in my life.

The past few weeks I have been refreshed by the Word of God. I've been given the opportunity to soak in his presence and suddenly revelation of the GOSPEL is coming so ALIVE in my heart... It's truly not containable. As my understanding of gospel is being renewed, my faith is stirring and my identity as a Christ follower is taking new dimensions. I'm also finding myself beginning to strongly identify with the role of missionary. It's like those deep- in-your-heart dreams are rising up and all of a sudden they are becoming tangible and reality. I am beginning to distinguish the aroma, the form, the sounds.

My heart is longing for the life abundant Christ came suffered and died in order to make the exchange... so that we could live this life abundant rather than our previous track to hell. As I seek this Kingdom... my heart only gets more excited and this earthly realm of life looks so boring, so depressing, so unappealing.

Yes I'm babbling... so forgive me for that. But isn't that what these online journals are for? A vomit of my thoughts splattered all over cyber land? I don't know much, but what I do know is that I am convinced our Heavenly Father has a plan for us FAR FAR FAR FAR GREATER than we can comprehend...and it's available to us as soon as we say yes to God.

For those of you who also want to know the current update of my life events here is the rundown:
- I'm graduating in 17 weeks!!! May 24, 2008
- I'm attending a wonderful church, the rock, and it's challenging me to grow in great ways
- At church I've enjoyed the community there, as well as participating in choir ministry, leading worship with 4-6th graders, attending social service mtgs and events, as well as missions related functions, and young adult intercession prayer mtgs.
- I live with some of the most incredible women on earth. They are a daily blessing in my life and I couldn't be more thankful for each of them.
- I've been blessed with a fantastic job as a special education classroom aide in a 4th-6th grade classroom. I love my job and the kids in our class. They teach me so much about life.
- Although I'm not able to direct or participate on the Biola end of things, the SAY Yes ministry is continuing to thrive under the tremendous blessing and favor of God.
- My heart longs for Uganda everyday and I'm praying and waiting until the Lord releases me to return
- And no, I'm not dating anyone, nor do I plan to fulfill the Biola wishes for a "ring by spring" and I'm completely content in it. :)

PRAISE THE LORD and blessings to you my beloved family and friends!

A few pix of my semester for your enjoyment :) (1. Sara and I bbq in the backyard, 2. Sus and Jonathan's wedding, 3. Sara, Emily and I in OR coast, 4. Heather Alissa and I on New Years Eve)