Fray

Today at work we were asked to do a short little "art project" to learn about our clients doing art and how art therapy works, etc. Seemed simple enough.. fold the paper in half, on one side draw why you like working here, on the other side anything you want. Pick one type of "materials" to use and get going. I chose classic crayola markers, just because I figured if kids can use them, perhaps I've got a shot. Little did I know how much would come out in this ten minute marker drawing. I ended up using multiple colors in a pattern to draw a bit of a woven tapestry, which was actually a blanket- but on it's fringes it began to unravel. That blanket was placed on the top of a couch, under a window, with a soft and friendly lamp bringing light to the whole setting on the side of the couch. Of course when it was time to share our art with others, and everyone tried to guess what my piece was about.. no one could come close. You see, the fraying blanket represents my life. Although I believe God has postured me in his grace, and therefore a place of peace and tranquility- in the midst of that place I feel like my life is unraveling and coming apart. In the past few months I've been through so much internally that I don't know how to express externally. My entire identity of who and what I thought I was called to do has been challenged and re-evaluated. Friendships I thought meant something turned out to be not what I thought. The natural transitions of life leave me positioned that those who I care about most are physically relocating far away from me. Family relationships once in tact have not only strained, but are slowly disappearing. I've been challenged to risk love, allow my heart to experience feeling- the absolute hardest and scariest thing God's asked me to do in a very long time.... only to find out that love is not reciprocated. My first opportunity to belong in a household of stability and security was short lived... incredible, but no more. I always thought my life was one huge tapestry being woven together piece by piece.... but it's as if for whatever reason God is pulling the knitting needles out and realizing the past few rows need to be done again- because he is not just creating a blanket, He's creating His masterpiece. So although in the midst of tears and confusion- I'm so thankful for this peaceful place and position- in the secret place of his tabernacle he shall hide me. My God is always faithful, and He is always good.

misunderstood.

I had two encounters today that both thouroughly bothered me. In the first encounter it felt as though I was made out to be "over- reacting" or exaggerating or something along those lines... but really, I wasn't trying to do that. I was actually expressing genuine concern for the person who was complaining... but then after I tried to speak up in her behalf and the authority figured addressed it with her, she basically laughed at me and said I misunderstood her. I was so confused- because although perhaps I did misunderstand her, now I'm wondering if she misunderstood me.

Later this same day this same woman made a very racially charged comment to me. The part that was so deeply painful to me was the fact that she assumed I would have naturally agreed with her extermely bigeted, ignorant and racist comment. I was so appalled - anger was boiling up inside of me but I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere. I felt helpless- it sucked. How to fight this shniza in a professional world...its so exhausting.

Yet as I was processing these two events later this evening I thought about my savior... How misunderstood he must have been. He was misunderstood- but he didn't have a need to prove himself, because it didn't matter to him- He knew who he was.

I suppose that naturally as a Christ follower I approach most situations in life already at odds- ready to be misunderstood.

What is it in me that wrestles with this emotion?

my life song

Lord you know my heart, the pain it's felt, lying so deep within.
But Lord you know my dreams, desires that remain, I still love you- with all that I am.

As for now, here I am. I long only for your plan. As for now, here I am. May I walk with you... again?

Prince of all peace, may my faith you increase- as I trust in your Word. My future what will it bring? My heart it longs to know...but I won't question, just believe.

Surprise change of seasons...

I was recently talking with an incredible woman of God who has been speaking truth into my life in the past few months... and this is what she shared:

She was sharing about an analogy of our spiritual journey as the seasons of the year. Spring represents a time in which you're hearing God speak so much to you... words are fresh and constant, you can feel the blooming taking place. Spring of course is followed by Summer, in which a visible consistency of much fruit allows you to soar from one day to the next. As this season of summer comes to an end, a season of pruning back, cutting away - all of a sudden your summer surge comes to an end and you realize that things are a bit painful as this pruning back takes place. Winter comes and it seems as though God is now completely silent... Whatever did happen to that time of many words that is now a faint memory?

So I realized that all of a sudden this weekend I have abruptly moved from an incredible spring and summer right smack into Fall. Why this weekend? I wish I knew how to answer that myself... but boy did it come unexpectedly.

The exciting part is that I know pruning always results in MORE fruit.. which is my heart's desire. Please pray for me, as my heart is fragile right now. I long to know my savior more intimately- I long to seek his face to the point that I know his direction by the way his eyes direct.

The funniest part of this surprise is that I've been whinning the past three weeks about how tired of summer I am and how badly I miss the beautiful Oregon fall... hmmm maybe we should be careful as to what we pray for ;)

Just when you think you have it figured out....

Have you ever noticed how just when you think you've got life figured out God completely changes things around... friendly sovereignty reminder I suppose. God is funny ya know. It's been an interesting few weeks because all of a sudden everything I thought I knew so confidently I no longer do... in fact I feel at quite a loss. I don't feel "bad" about it or anything...actually at peace and just fine... but just at a total loss. Once again, here I am waiting for the surprises of God to unfold.

hmmm another important thing to share: most soy ice cream alternatives are not really good at all, but if eaten in small enough quantities it still seems like a treat.. however, I tried the Trader Joe's Soy Cream Cherry Chocolate Chunk tonight and it was SO GOOD! Significantly better than any other soy substitute I've had... just thought I should share for all my non-dairy friends.

and as a point of encouragement- this has been my verse of the week: "Call to me and I will answer you. I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know!" Jer. 33:3

Wisdom and Faith?

I've been wrestling this week thinking about the combination of wisdom and faith. For some reason in my mind when I think of these words two opposing pictures come to mind. Wisdom brings prudence, thoughtfulness, caution, logic, etc while Faith makes me think of excitement, obedience, trusting, and going for it even if you can't hold all of the pieces together yourself. It's interesting though, because really these two actions ought to work together. I'm not really sure what else to say about this... except... how does it work? How can I live with wisdom in my decisions- and yet remain in faith when my faith may be to stick to a direction that doesn't appear to be a wise decision? So my mind then tracks back to perhaps the practice of faith, which is often the expression of obedience... is in itself wisdom because it's coming into alignment with the direction of God- who knows best.... so in this way a faith action is actually wisdom expressed... i suppose that could put my mind at ease for a moment, but then it shorty doubts that initial faith based decision. aay ye ye. I'm learning... little by little.

The Goodness of my God....

I've been so overwhelmed by the goodness of my God these past few weeks- Everyday I feel as though my heart is leaping on the inside and joy is pouring into everything I think and do. God has done it again, and blown my mind out of the water, providing another "too good to be true" job. Check this: I was hired the first week of July to work from July 1- Aug 27th with a week of pre-determined vacation, full time! That in itself is a miracle...but it gets better. This job is not only paying better than I expected... but its full of my hearts passions and is meaningful to me. In this job I get the chance to write curriculum with a new set of learners, I get to assist a man in opening an orphanage and setting up his 501c3, I get to assist in the office of an incredible day program facility for developmentally disabled adults...which is such an incredible place to work and learn. Not only these things, but there is potential that I can help in developing the beginning stages of an afterschool program for children with developmental disabilities. How incredible is the Lord? I'm having the time of my life... and who would have thought? God is so good- When we seek him first, he adds all things to us... my cares and concerns for a car... God provided a great car I love... my cares and concerns for a job... God provided a great job that not only do I feel is meaningful to me, but that is causing me to grow and be stretched and learn - its a great experience. The Lord just keeps blessing me... He truly is the giver of abundant life, and good gifts to his children- and I know he's not done yet...there is so much more to come.